01.06.02 - 3:14 p.m.

you love her but you don't know why.

i realized one of the things that differentiates me from many people i know. that seems to be the urge for synthesis. to at once comprehend as much of a complex picture as you can, while acknowledging and having some internal (at least) compassion for its complexities. blah blah blah blah.

it's all stuff and nonsense, sort of. i mean, this is the classic into which i always seem to be falling - trying to latch onto something and worry it through, and in the process making myself sound somehow, well, something. which isn't what i mean at all.

but, lookit: my great-grandmother was in a nursing home. when we visited her, she would sit and lambast the staff as cruel, viscious monsters who hated her and stole from her, but when the nurses came in for whatever reason she would introduce us and tell us how wonderful each one was individually. but she never made the connection between one (everyone is wonderful individually) and the other (her paranoia thing) to even question herself as to the basis of one or the other assertion.

and i've since found that that's not uncommon for older people in nursing homes when talking to their children or relatives.

and, for example, a friend of mine works for a difficult man - a VERY difficult man, to be sure. she dislikes him somewhat because he is so difficult, but she is quite proud that she is one of the few people whom he would trust to work with. proud as a peacock sometimes.

and said difficult man has recently been going through some health problems that apparently left him questioning some of his behaviors, and he has really tried to be more humane and less impatient (still exacting, mind you. just not a monster sorta thang). and my friend recognizes that and really appreciates it, and i think she respects the man and also feels compassion for him. but, she is occasionally exasperated, and she nurses those bouts of exasperation like you wouldn't believe. i don't think it's a conscious decision to actively nurse those bouts of exasperation. it's just what she naturally does, what her mind naturally does. like, even long after the irritant has been removed, she's still worrying at it. and it's not a pearl she's trying to make, either.

heh. argh. sleepy!

gonna go sleep now. or, no. gonna go do something else though!