07.31.04 - 5:24 p.m.

Okay, now, I'm going to gather a bunch of snippets into one long entry of snippets. Such as, this gem I emailed myself, which is super mysterious:

�Why?� her eyes glittered darkly, reflecting the meager candlelight. The corner of her mouth curled upward, but there was no humor in her voice. �That is a complicated question, Siovan. Are you certain you want to hear the answer?�

So! Mysterious! I have no idea what that was about. The next random bit was a link to a page on deconstructionism that I forwarded from work to home, for later perusal. I don't believe I ever perused, though: http://www.dimensional.com/~randl/deconstruct.htm

Then, an email I sent myself with a snippet of a diary entry, I don't know if I ever entered it, and too lazy now to go back and check and see:

It's very odd, but I do feel like writing two entries in one day. I have two reasons, and two reasons only. Reason #1: my little imood indicator thingy. Isn't it cute? Awww. I like the upside-down smiley face because he seems to whimsical, but I haven't had much cause to use it lately. I suppose I still don't have much cause to use it, but I really am feeling a little bit festive, and I really do love Christmas, and I love that Christmas is this week, even if I'm not really ready, even if my apartment isn't really decorated, even if it's going to be a sad, quiet little Christmas this year what with my mom sick and my grandmother gone. And even if, really, I have to get rid of this virus before I'm allowed back at my

parents' house.

Word to the wise: no chemotherapy, ever. Mom's really, really sick. She hasn't left the house for five days, and her gyn-onc is out of town. His nurse sent her to her PCP, so there she goes today, my mom. I'm sad and scared for her, and I would like to do something, but there's just not that much to do beyond checking in with her and helping out, and whatnot, and now that I've been banned from the house, there's very little to do. I tried to pry some requests from Mom and Dad to see if I could at least do some shopping for them, but no dice.

That's not the point, though. The point is: festive, Christmas, paper, lights, presents.

It was a sad little Christmas. It was difficult, life was rough, but I wonder if it isn't rougher for Mom and Dad and David now. Mom's fine - well, the usual problems, but fine, remission, hair coming back, and that means she's completely bloody nuts, too, yelling at David over anything and everything.

So, what next? More quotes, I no longer no where I picked this up, but there it is:

The most important thing is to be able to think what you want, not to say what you want. And if you feel you have to say everything you think, it may inhibit you from thinking improper thoughts. I think it's better to follow the opposite policy. Draw a sharp line between your thoughts and your speech. Inside your head, anything is allowed. Within my head I make a point of encouraging the most outrageous thoughts I can imagine. But, as in a secret society, nothing that happens within the building should be told to outsiders. The first rule of Fight Club is, you do not talk about Fight Club.

When Milton was going to visit Italy in the 1630s, Sir Henry Wootton, who had been ambassador to Venice, told him his motto should be "i pensieri stretti & il viso sciolto." Closed thoughts and an open face. Smile at everyone, and don't tell them what you're thinking. This was wise advice. Milton was an argumentative fellow, and the Inquisition was a bit restive at

that time. But I think the difference between Milton's situation and ours is only a matter of degree. Every era has its heresies, and if you don't get imprisoned for them you will at least get in enough trouble that it becomes a complete distraction.

Closed thoughts and an open face: in here, anything goes. That anything, however, does not necessarily make it to paper. It might make it to an ear or two, but beyond that, nothing goes anywhere: heretic, heretic, I'm a bloody heretic and my thoughts are still my own, even with a confessional diary open to all, my thoughts, the inner circle of my thoughts, entirely my own. Oh, another link, now: http://homepage.mac.com/webmasterkai/kaicurry/gwbush/dishonestdubya.html.

Okay, I'm done cleaning out the mailbox for now. Peace out!