04.25.02 - 11:18 a.m.

control freak. hee.

i am such a

i don't want to be a control freak. i don't want to feel like, weird and a little dirty when someone else works on my cases. i don't want to feel like they're going to screw something up or be - i dunno - pseudomacho about my freaking stuff but i just can't help it. it's bizarre, and i don't really like the feeling that wells up when i get this frustrated little snapshot of bottled rage. like, it's totally a violent feeling. i mean, i'm not violent?

but i absolutely need to talk myself down. and even when i talk myself down and manage not to make some stupid secret hidden display (question, does every adult do that? that awful holdover from childhood, where you'd mock or storm or SOMEthing the minute mom's back was turned?)

about 8 hours later

ACK. once more i've managed to leave this up all day long and write very little. although, i can confess that the above theme has carried on throughout the day. i wonder if there are any better techniques for dealing with unreasoning rage. i wonder if i could bleed it off somehow, or if it is genetic? i mean, i know some things are entirely irrational but i feel them, and feel them strongly, and get really upset (briefly) anyway. somehow, it's like i can't quite get rid of the garbage.

actually, that's a REALLY good way to put it, because i really cannot get rid of the garbage, the little throwaway thoughts that afflict one throughout the day. e.g.: i hurt my ankle last week. now, whenever i think about walking down stairs, or whatever, i literally picture myself falling. i wince away from the image because it hurts to picture it, like, physically makes me cringe, and intellectually makes me cringe too because it's a really bizarre thing to sit around imagining the latest disaster like you're daydreaming, and somehow i'm afraid that if i think about it i'll unconsciously do that to myself or i just worry all the time.

so whenever i catch myself thinking about it, i warn myself away from the thought. sometimes i put big huge DANGER flashers like uhm, like flares around the thought and wince and physically push it away, push it outta my mind. the more i push it away, the more it creep creep creeps back in, invasive and murderous and difficult as hell, like a redheaded stepchild. unwanted, and impossible to ignore.

yeeeeks. i think i'm actually crazy. not sort of crazy, but actually crazy. i mean, there must be something wrong with me, to constantly do that, no?