06.16.05 - 1:15 p.m.

Today, I received an awesome spam message (or yesterday or the day before, whatever), aka, the newest incarnation of the Nigerian Oil Minister scam. This one claims to be from an international charity Help the Children Foundation. The scammers have even made their own website - although I have to say that they could've at least put in the effort to come up with better English copy than the managed. Moreover, uh, if they are planning to bilk Americans out of money, they could've spelled International correctly, bastards.

So: here is the scam email I received:

International Help the Children Foundation (Latvia) is looking for a proactive and responsible person to fill in the part time Collections Manager. Your essential responsibilities will be to manage the receipt of payments from our US and Canadian benefactors into your bank account and further transfer the monies to our accounts under the supervision of our Collections Executive. This position requires some aptitude with numbers and a great degree of financial discipline. You should also be a good communicator, since most of the business communications is done over phone/fax/email.

Help the Children Foundation was established in 1999 to support and realize programs and actions directed on strengthening of prestige and a role of family in society and state; render financial, technical and humanitarian aid within the framework of own and international charitable programs. At the moment, we are initiating a joint Latvian - USA program to provide financial help to gifted kids from incomplete families.

Since we do not have a full time US representative yet, we are looking for proactive individuals to act as our collections managers in the Americas. This position is commission based, and would require no more than 2-5 hours per week to fulfill your duties. You will be receiving a 5% commission for each benefactor transfer that you forward to us. In example, if $5000 is credited to your account, you will earn a commission of $250.
If you feel that you fit for this position and would like to contribute to the better image of the United States abroad, as well as to better the life of the deprived children, please email us at [email protected] with your contact details and a few words about yourself.

And, here is my response:

Hi,

Wow! What a great offer! I would love to help you. I have been trying to get into non-profit work for a while, and have been unsuccessful except for handing out some peanut butter sandwiches at the local junkie park, and mostly the local junkies do not want peanut butter sandwiches, they want heroin. I have some, but I don't like to share. You never know when you might have to amputate your own limb because a boulder fell on your house, pinning you in the kitchen several metres away from the telephone.

Anyway, I checked out your website and it all seems 100% legit, so I am very excited about this opportunity. I am a forty-three-old ex-attorney who made it big in the dot com boom and got out when the getting out was good. Now I travel and sometimes smuggle drugs for a few friends, but mostly I don't work. Well, I was also disbarred, but that's another story. Anyway, I love children (I am not a pedophile!) and want to help.

Coincidentally, I am going to be in Europe next month, so we can probably get together and make appropriate arrangements. I envision a big push, and maybe an international television marketing campaign. Do you think that Angelina Jolie likes Latvian Jews? Maybe she could be our spokeswoman.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

LizBeth Owen

P.S. - I hope my criminal record won't deter you from hiring me. I took a Kennedy plea to that negligent homicide charge to spare the victims parents the trauma of a trial. I wasn't actually guilty of anything. Really, they should've charged the Peter Pan people, since theye obviously have been spiking their peanut butter with roofies for a while. Anyway! Great to hear from you. Thanks for thinking of me!!!!

Wonder if they will write me back?