05.17.04 - 5:41 p.m.

Goodbye, world. Hullo, panic.

I'm ridiculously, breathlessly anxious today. Today is the day, after all. I didn't ask my parents for the money they were going to give me. I think I have enough, but I thought they would have - ? Mentioned it. As in: hey, do you want that money we said we would give you before closing? And I would've said - oh, yeah! But - duh, I should've asked, and now how can I ask for the money they were giving me for a downpayment if I've already closed and made my downpayment. Except I will be completely, utterly, 100% nothing-in-my-pockets broke if they don't come through. Well, I'm not sure about that - but it'll be a close thing. I mean, I know how much I need to have and how much I've already spent and I think I get credit for my earnest money, the repair credit, the appraisal, which I paid for, and the homeowner's insurance, which I'm paying for. Those are the closing costs, plus the loan fees, so. Gah. I'm not happy and I should be happy. Instead, I'm just scared stiff. Official things always make me sick. Official things for other people are fine, and officialish. Official things for me, well, make me think I'm going to be found out and electrocuted, somehow. I have the hardest time dealing with the sweep of nauseating anxiety that claws at my focus and distracts me until I find something wholly absorbing (aka - whatever I'm not supposed to be doing) to take the edge off the physical reaction, the strange groundswell of panic that is almost entirely internal. I think I'm shaking, just a little bit, but mostly the problem is this quickening in my stomach and hyperawareness of the potential for disaster.

Why am I so bothered? I have everything I need. Seriously: I've done everything. The loan. The contract. The earnest money. I've called for all the utilities to be put into my name. I've gotten (well, almost gotten. Give me another hour and a quarter) homeowner's insurance. All I need to do is go and sign whatever I need to sign.

And now the insurance is done. God, I hope it's all done. I hate, sometimes, how everything ever is written in the mouth of some machine -

- and. ARGH. So, the loan company needs something from the appraisal company, and they were supposed to have that addendum this morning, but they don't have it, so we won't be closing (most likely) today. So, all these jitters, all this nothing for nothing. Auuugh. At least I went out to lunch.

Lunch is good. I need a drink, though. A nice, strong drink. Except, not. Except, yes.

This is so completely not fair. I feel like things are strange, are splintering apart, like mica. The world seems made of these little microlayers that fracture and peel apart. I'm missing something. I'm missing something important.

Well, mostly I'm just missing this. I want it all. over. now.

I am so frustrated. This is so - argh - irritating.

Someone save me. :)