10.14.03 - 12:33 p.m.

This may be one of the worst weeks of my life. I've had enough sleep both nights so far, but I've been absolutely incapable of focusing on work. Mostly, I'm here filling a chair, staring out the window at the gray sky. I bet I'd feel better if it were sunny, but it was sunny yesterday, and I still didn't get much done.

Admittedly, yesterday's rhythm was completely corrupted by the UPS delivery I had to stay home to get from my mortgage broker. UPS tried Thursday and Friday, but I wasn't home, (duh) and so I stayed home Monday to get it. I'm not sure where the main UPS office is, and I don't particularly want to find out.

So, now I'm just marking time. For what? I'm not sure. I don't feel like seeing anyone, and I don't feel like doing anything at home. Maybe I'll continue operation scrub tonight. I didn't have much luck last night, but maybe tonight will be better. Maybe I'll walk around and look at houses. Or get a movie. I don't know.

When I talk to my mother, it's hard not to cry. I can hear the fear in her voice, and the way she sort of reaches out to reassure me, and there's very little so painful as the sort of flawed love we have for each other, the painful babysteps we make as some attempt at absolution for the past. I wish I had more to give her right now, but I don't have anything that would work. I don't have - it's not something physical, obviously, it's whatever she perceives as safety or stability.