12.14.00 - 18:16:20

i'm sitting here thinking.

and reading.

well, working. mostly. and so i am reading the records of someone's cardiac catheriterization. and i am thinking. fucking someday i'm going to be a tangle of lines on the page

acute non-Q wave myocardial infarction

and that won't be quite that, but it'll be close, and all i'll have is a bum heart and - what, precisely? how have i managed to get this far without specialization, how the hell does broad and shallow knowledge base do me any good at all.

i want to know the fractal texture of some Madagascarab fungi in intimate and knowing detail, the way a mother knows the paper-thin flexibility of her infant's toenails. or something. i fucking want something, but i don't know what. and i don't know how to get it.

and i don't know. where they put the manual.

or why my copy has so many blank pages.